I noticed many times that women who lack confidence usually have bad relationships with men. With women often, too. But their relationships with men are usually more important to them for obvious reasons.
Why is it so?
First of all, is you are not sure of what you should do, or how you should behave it’s quite easy to fall into a trap of following someone else’s steps, which is not always a good thing. People will use you eventually if they see that you don’t know what to do yourself. And you cannot even blame them for that because you followed them yourself. No one usually forces you to, right?
Secondly, if a person is insecure they are provoking mixed feelings in other people towards themselves. You cannot know whether this person knows what they do, whether it is safe to be with them at all. Because an insecure friend cannot be relied on, cannot be trusted. You never know what will they do next. Maybe, they will abandon you because they found someone else to listen to. That often happens in the female friendship, by the way.
Thirdly – the biggest problem – envy! This is the most dangerous thing that can happen because you never know when a person envies you. They will not tell you, that’s for sure. If you notice or feel something negative from them and ask them they will never tell you the truth because it’s embarrassing and humiliating for them. So, there is no easy way to keep a relationship with them because they can always stab you into your back.
So, what is there to do if your friend or life-partner is an insecure person.
1. Don’t use them. Help them
You should be helpful if you see that a person dear to you has this problem. Tell them that they can rely on you but that they would have to work on their own self-esteem because it will become a problem later for you both. Be willing to offer your real help and advice if they agree to that. But…
2. don’t force them to improve themselves if they don’t really want to.
Many people don’t recognise the danger of their own unstable personality and refuse to improve themselves. Leave them then. It will not be better if you will force them to work on their problems and at the end they will just get tired of it and will blame you. Support them only if you help is appreciated and desired.
What is there to do if you yourself have a problem with self-esteem?
1. Be prepared to work on the most valuable quality of your character – self-confidence. The result will not disappoint you. Work out your own principles that will never be compromised under any circumstances. You should have a set of principles for you relationships with colleagues, friends, lovers, parents, children. If you don’t have them it will be difficult to solve the eventual problems with them in you life.
I can give you my own examples, that I’ve been practicing for many adult years of my life:
In relationships with men:
a. never go into bed with him until a 5th date has taken place. He will never consider you as his future long-term girlfriend.
b. don’t jump to conclusions about the negative qualities of his character – it might be the wrong impression. The time will show if I was right.
c. don’t run after him if he doesn’t call – never brings you happiness!
In relationships with colleagues:
a. don’t brag to them about your success – they will only envy you, even if they smile right now.
b. try to be, or at least seem, equal to them – no one likes superiority of those who get paid the same salary as you do.
In relationships with friends:
a. be there for them, but don’t be too dependant on their company, it bores people.
b. don’t try to influence their lives. They should learn to manage them themselves.
c. try to find a common interest, except for gossiping.
In relationships with parents:
a. be patient if they criticise you. It is usually kindly meant.
b. listen to their opinion respectfully but make you own choice while trying not to provoke a conflict.
These rules help me really to make the right choice if I have to. You cannot please everyone. So, make your own decision, even if it’s a hard one. Because no one is as responsible for the consequences of it as you are.
If you have any question, remarks or ideas don’t hesitate to make a comment here.